2014/12/22

生物レポート保存。

これは、生物で、「頭を柔らかくして考えてきなさい」と
お題をちょうだいしたもの。
触れる、ということの医学への応用を模索してみたけど、
イマイチうまくいっていません。
でも、S評価でした。なんでやろ。





政治学テスト保存。

これは、テスト前に発表されていた課題についてのまとめ。
なんか、文章力がなくなったなぁ、と感じます。
でも、S評価でした。えへ。




国際社会の理解レポート保存。

この授業では、安全保障についてがテーマ。
レポートはその講義の前半ほど、GW明けに提出。
なので、タイムラグがかなりあります。
この授業でもS評価でございました。むんっ









社会学レポート保存。

一般教養、社会学の授業。
人とのつながり=社会を学問すること。
なんかようわからんことを書いていて、
とてつもなくわかりにくいですが、評価はS(Special)でした。
(やったー!)

前に大学生だったときには、「無駄の必要性」と題した卒論を出しました。
そこで、インターネット社会のあり方について、
必要な情報通信よりも、コミュニケーションのネットワークが広がる、
と予想した論文を書きました。
後に、ミクシィやTwitter、Facebookが出たので、
先見性があったんやなーと思ったのを思い出しました。
(いろんな人がそう思った結果なのですが)







長らくのご無沙汰でした。

母のいる学校に来るにあたって、
一番最初にガッカリしていたことは、
この学校の薬草園があまりにもザッとしていること。
学校自体はキレイに手入れされているのに、
こういうディテールにココロが行き届いていないのは…と、
かなり不安に感じるものだったのです。
で、4月に入学してすぐ、
そこで月1回の講座をやっていることを知って、
参加することにしました。
ほとんど毎日、薬草園に顔を出しては何かを手入れしてみたり…と、
土など触ったことのない私が、必死でそこに馴染もうとしています。
今、その薬草園を舞台に、ブログをやっています。
こちら。
http://kusa-koto.blogspot.jp/
続ける自信があんまりなかったので、
かなりひっそりとやっていたのですが。

さて、改めて大学に行き始めると、いろんなことに気付きます。
理系と文系の違いについて。
大人と子どもの違いについて。
反応するものの違い。
でも、私の半分ほどの年齢でしかない同級生たちとの共通点も意外と多くて、
たとえば、興味のあることはそんなに違わなかったり、
だから、意外とコミュニケーションはうまくいったり。
(これは、本当に自分でも意外だったけど、
かなり同じ目線で話していることに気付いておもしろい)
利害関係がないから、むしろスムーズだったりして。

前期で提出していたいくつかのレポートも、
ここにためていこうかなと思っています。

ひとまず、この後期でグループワークとしてやった課題をシェアさせてもらいます。
同じグループの男の子の発案で選んだテーマ「腸内細菌でできること」。



前期のグループワークでは錯覚について調べて発表して、
あと、連携医療について調べて発表しました。
これは、A1ポスターで貼り出し。

学内で1位に選ばれたので、全学部の1年生の前でプレゼン。


なんというか、全部ほめてもらったので得意気なのです。

2014/05/20

勉強タノシイ。

いるのは薬学部だけど、1年生の今は、
ほとんどが高校での数学・理科のおさらいと一般教養。
一般教養では丸山眞男の講義がイチバンおもしろい。
経済学も法学も国際関係学も、ともかく、今はほとんど産業革命期の話ばかり。
ひとつの時代のことがいろんな角度から切り取られているのがおもしろい。
今日は、数学の小テストで全部解き終わってテスト終了をボンヤリ待っていたら、
先生がきて、私の答案を手にとり、
「あんたはバケモノみたいやね」と言って去っていった。
どうやら、数学がよくできるね、と褒められたらしい。
こないだも、小テストの答案を返してもらいに先生の研究室に行ったら、
「あなたはなんでそんなに数学ができるの?」と言われた。
でも、出る範囲もわかってるし、
答えも予めわかっている問題だから全てにおいてすこぶる簡単すぎるのだ。
それでも褒められると、困惑しながらも有頂天になるし、
がっかりさせたら女が廃るような妙な正義感が沸いて、変な点数がとれなくなる。
これは、先生の戦略のような気がしている。

2014/05/17

ただいま。

大学生になりました。
当然ながら、周囲はティーンエイジャーばかり。
みんな友だちを早くつくりたくて、どこかの“仲間”に早く所属したくて、
浮き足立ちながら緊張している感じがビシビシ伝わってきた4月でした。
5月になってくると、さすがに居場所が確保できたようす。
私は相変わらずボンヤリしていて、彼らのことを眺めて
まるで大上段にいるような気分で「若いときってそんなもんよね」
なんて気取っているけど、よく考えてみたら、
私は、子どものころからそういうことが煩わしくて仕方なくて
誰も寄ってこないようにといつも願っていたし、
だからものすごく仏頂面になってしまったのだろうと思う。
今もニコニコ顔ではない。
ただ、英語でも体育でも、何かペアとか組になってやらなきゃいけなかったりすると、
こんなにもムスッとした私にも声がかかる。
むしろ、私がひとりになって困らないように、
なぜかみんなが先回りをして配慮して調整してくれている。
気を遣わせて悪いなぁと思う反面、年上はいいなぁとも思うのだった。

大学は意外とおもしろい。
18歳で入学したときとは全然違って、
必死で勉強しようとする姿を見られても何にも恥ずかしいと思わない。
体育はソフトボールだけど、それも意外とおもしろい。
けっこうバットにボールが当たるし。

*****

こないだ、といっても、もう1か月くらい前になるけど、大阪に行ってきた。
お世話になっていた人たちに近況を報告しに行ったのだった。
中之島の国立美術館に行った意外は、ほとんどミナミにいた。
“裏ナンバ”は、すっかり変わってしまっていて、
特に道具屋筋の手前の路地なんて、
閑散として何もなかったあの頃の面影なんて全然なくなっていた。
私ももう大阪の人ではなくなったからだろうか、みんな同じような店構えにも見えて、
なんというか、街は賑やかになっていたのに、ちょっと寂しい気分になった。
立ち寄った店の人は「ミーツが街を作ってしまいよった」と言っていたけど、
街は前からそこにあったし、以前、私はそこに生きていた。
ミナミの一番のターミナル街やのに下世話さと猥雑さとわかりやすさ。
単なるチェーン店でも、ホンマかどうかは別として、
「全国でここが一番売上がいい」みたいなことを
堂々と店の前に手書きで掲げてしまう図々しさ。
きったない立ち食いうどんの店(でも、いつもお世話になった)と
きらびやかでうさん臭いジュエリーショップがいっしょに並ぶ雑さ加減。
そんな難波の脇道には、ひっそりと、エネルギーを
溜め込んでしまったような店が多かった。
あ、これは、いわゆる“昭和”を狙った店のことじゃなくて、
もう店の名前すら忘れてしまったけど、
とにかく、主流ではない、主流にはなりたくない店が多くて、
それらはキャバレーの脇の道から入るところやら、
商店街の脇の「え、これって道やったん?」みたいなところにあった。
主流かどうか、みたいなところは三ツ寺周辺にも共通するけど、
比べると、三ツ寺はまだイマに生きている感じがあったのに対して、
難波の脇道の店はかなり排他的だった。
オシャレさ、小粋さは欠片もなく、個性以外の何者でもなかった。
キャバレーの客引きやら、化粧でギトギトの汚い顔のオバちゃんやらが
うろうろしているのを「あんた邪魔やで」という顔して
自転車ですり抜けていくのはスリルがあった。
凝視しておもしろがるか、目をそらして駆け抜けるか。
自転車で通るたびに私はそんなしょーもないことでチラリと悩まされるのだった。

新しい街の店の面構えは、なんだかどこも似たり寄ったり。
細かく丁寧にきちんと見たら、そら当然どこも違うだろうけど、
たぶん、値段とか、新しく出した店のコンセプトっちゅうのも
あそこのところのはどこも似たようなもんなんだろうな。
それは、福島とか他の街で店やるのとは違って、
最初っから難波の空気を狙ってくるからだろうし、
やっぱり人は多いから、どうしても商売っ気が匂いたつし、
というか、商売っ気が漂わない店なんて、あそこではかえってインチキ臭くみえるし。
圧倒的な街の匂いに圧されて肩を寄せ合っているようにも見えなくはない。
ああ、そんなところが、やっぱり難波やなぁ、という感じでもあった。

*****

先月の頭から、薬草園の手伝いをさせてもらっている。
これは、私にとって新しい試み。
植物のことなど全くわからないけれど、
それぞれ違う匂いや色、カタチを確認しては、
「あんたはどんなところで何を思ってこんな格好になったの?」
とイチイチ深読みをしては、ひとりで勝手に心を揺らしているのだった。
もっと、名前がちゃんとわかるようになれたらいいな。
そんで、もっと、植物のことをおもしろく喋れるようになれたらいいな。
最近はそんなことばっかり、悠長に思っているのです。

2014/03/19

tender love.



After all of my examinations, I came back to my hometown. My new uneasiness and dissatisfaction is what about my grand-ma things. I couldn't understand when I was far from my home. When I heard it from my mother, it seemed to be so nonsense. But actually, the problems have so deep roots in my ancestor. My grand-ma was an adopted child. My grand-ma's grand-ma had adopted her child's child as her new child who to take a family name of my grand-ma's grand-ma. That was Nishimura. My grand-dad have married into my grand-ma's family when they were only teenagers. Though my grand-ma was brought as a dearest child in richer life, my grand-ma seemed to have felt unhappy because she weren't satisfied with love from her parents. She seemed to have wanted love or attentions from everyone all the time. In several years, just before she has forgotten all of her life, she looked to get soft and calm life finally. But after the accident that she has hitted her head on the corner of the table, she has forgotten everything and she remember her sadness. Recently, though she sometimes remembered her calm mind,  but she seems to be dreaming in her unsatisfied life. So, she always complains about everything to each of her helpers, or she behaves like a baby against her grand children. Her daughters seem to be running about in utter confusion everyday without thinking about her mother's uneasiness. They seem to think it's the best way to care of her with making scarifice of our all time or all feelings. (My grand-ma and my aunts seem to love "scarifice" all the time. But they never become conscious of that.) As a result, they also always complains about everything to everybody. Though they always say "we need take care of my mother with love", they sometimes skipps their promise without contacting, and abuse their mother's or our trust. I try not to complain about that, I try to stop the complaining chain, but I also complain about that to my sister. I know it's the vicious circle. I was tired of their complains or behaves in only two days. What makes us tired is not that to care of her but to get along with her unsatisfied. We should get the new way to continue taking care of my grand-ma with pleasing and calm.

2014/03/13

Extra Mile.

Today, I finished all of my examination. I learned that it's very difficult to pass the entrance examination and I should respect all of the university student. Actually, I've thought it was easier, and I may have looked down on even the famous universities. Even if some of them might be so talented, but most of them must have made their best effort to archive their aim. I give up in this time because it's about time to go next. In this long journey, I realized and learned so many things except studying. I wrote it many times, it was the hardest thing that I had had so much time to re-think about myself. I could not cure of all, but some are accepted by myself, some are improved. It became clear I'm not a genius and I could not do everything completely. I came to understand that positively. It makes no sense to the others and even myself whether I'm a genius or a fool. So I'm satisfied with all of that. Now, I'm filled with excitement. I will sell all of my text books to the secondhand bookstore tomorrow. Though all of my examination was over, next mission is waiting for me now. My second season has just started now.


What you gonna do when you get out of jail?
I'm gonna have some fun
What do you consider fun?
Fun, natural fun
(Genius of Love)

After received the notification of success in the examination, I have thought of my next goal. First of all, I would like to find a sustainable way of life. That needs something fun, satisfaction, excitement, movement, some dramatical things,... When I made the catalogue of nursing goods, I was surprised there is no fun in shopping. On the contrary, that seemed to be dismal and preaching. Though I know that they usually think aging is sadness because it means becoming less able and becoming too clear the only one goal, and though I know that it's different from taking care of children in the point of that, I thought it must be more exciting. At least, I want to be more excited when I take care of my parents. Yet, I have no idea how I can learn the way. I'm excited with Faculty of Pharmaceutical Sciences, and I might be able to find the way. But if I can, it is important to have another view. So, as my mother said, I'll try to search the way to go to a graduate school in the same time. I think it might be important to take my margin away while learning, in addition, if I can have another view, I will be able to think about that more freely. Surely, I should know it is the first way that I go to the university to pass the national examination. So I would give up at once if it's impossible. Anyway, because mother recommends it with much effort, I'll try it. Except that, there are many ideas to do. I'm so exciting, I can't wait. Until April comes, I have nothing to do in a hurry, so I'll go back to hometown to take care of my grandmother. Though I would like to do while learning what a care is, she goes to the nursing facility in daytime, and she may sleep most of time at night. So I can not do nothing but play the video game to prepare the game with my nephew. I will be bored soon... I'll prepare to study in daytime.


Running after fantasies
When all we got right here's for real
A dirty city on the sea 
Mighty fine dope playground to me
I heard you got a bike, two wheels
Near you got the swell and me 
U can gimme a ride 
Play it summer delight
Go the extra mile
Im sure you'll find
some time to play 
lets conquer the world
Mercy Mercy me
Lets follow the sun and go out
Before we turn into dust lets go out
I'm talking 'bout a thirsty turkey please
Let's borrow a boat and sail out
Before there's oil everywhere let's sail out, away out
(Extra Mile)

2014/03/09

Still, Strong



Just before I quitted my job for the magazine, I heard "It's too late" at a bar, at a restaurant, and anywhere. It might have been by chance, or I might have cared for that too much. But I'd felt that Carol King had sung for me, and my feelings had been melted. The other day, when I walked to the Shrine, I heard "Not too late" from my earphone. I stayed there for a while, I listened it carefully. I wondered "why they know the best time to sing for me?" Though I knew that both of those were the songs for love, I was moved so much regardless of the theme of those songs. I could not have passed and I'm so frustrated, but I'm surprised that I'm not disappointed less than I've been afraid. I was relieved from the worrying. And my goal seemed to be more simple and clearer. Tomorrow, I'll leave for Tokushima to take the last chance again. Even if I failed that (most likely), I could not be destroyed completely. After the information of rejection, my mother suggested me of the additional plan. It also seemed to be wonderful, but I am going to walk my way certainly. I'm disappointed surely, but I understand it's only one step. The name of that is surely important, but I understand that it's more important what I do. In addition, I'm not dead. While trying to something, I wanted to run to higher, but I understood that walking certainly has few difference from that. I imagined the life in Hiroshima. It also seemed to be fun. I'm looking forward to graduating from this examinee life in three days.


My lungs are out of air,
Yours are holding smoke,
And it's been like that now for so long.
I've seen people try to change,
And I know it isn't easy,
But nothin' worth the time ever really is.
(Not too late)

2014/03/05

Gray, between black and white.


The gold road's sure a long road
Winds on through the hills for fifteen days
The pack on my back is aching
The straps seem to cut me like a knife
The gold road's sure a long road
Winds on through the hills for fifteen days
The pack on my back is aching
The straps seem to cut me like a knife
(Fool's Gold)

I'm so nervous because I will know the result of the examination of my first choice tomorrow. My heart was beating too fast to sit calmly and to stay without doing anything, so I made up my mind to believe today's weather fortune-telling. It means, fine-weather means I can pass, rain means I'll be rejected. I would rather rain because the one that I thought not to go well can make me feel refreshed more. It was raining hardly a little last night. So I didn't expect the weather. In a sense, I expected the rain so much. But this morning, it's not rain. It's cloudy. OMG! I didn't think of the cloudy. I'm wondering what I should think, and I'm walking around in my room.


I've been hating everything, everything that could have been
Could have been my anything, now everything's embarrassing
Acting like it's nothing; such a bore
I saw the truth and I just can't ignore
You're trying to hold the heart that can't be stored
Say I tried to give my best before
You wouldn't have the chance to give me more
You're only one step closer to the door
(Everything Is Embarrassing)

2014/03/04

No time to murmur.

Well, it is revealed that it is departure by another two days and I was tense suddenly. The reason is I thought on Friday for sixth and on Tuesday today for third. I was surprised to know today was already fourth. I don't have time to prepare, besides I have no time to murmur something! While saying so, I found my friend's ironical phrase of "there are full of things like poem in Japan" in FB. I don't know why he said so, I could not repress laughter because what he said perfectly fit to my feeling.


I don't care if it hurts
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
(creep)

I have delated many my journals so far. Whenever I try to write something good, I feel that I seem to cheat something, and I feel walking in the fairyland. I mean, though they were exactly true stories, the outline of the story I made was slightly different from the depth of the story. I'm wondering about the difference. Between the lines or silence, I cannot stop finding the discomforts. Sometimes, some smooth phrases seem to be armed to the teeth while saying "Please love me." Well, it's about time to go back to prepare.

2014/03/03

Without being noticed.

When I prepared for many scenes for the photographs at one day, and I completely carried out that, I felt satisfied with myself the most. There were too many plans for the photographs to take in one day, and everyone said we would not be able to carry out all of them, let's turn the thing that there was not tomorrow. But tomorrow, we'd reserved another studio to make different scenes, and we had few budget, so I didn't want to slip the jobs to the next day. In that studio, there were many places to plan out. I immediately begged the staffs to build the rooms to fit the scene, and conducted the photographer and the chief director to the next scenes. My play was started when I made the staffs put the furniture of the product in line to be used. And one job was finished when they tidy the furniture up on the truck, and in the same time, when at next scene the photographer started taking photos, I was finishing building the new rooms at the other side with making the staffs carry the next furniture at the other side. I wanted to the photographer and the director apply to their plays without caring for chores, and I believed their applying brought our works fabulous. Finally, we could carry out our all plans in one day, contrary to our expectations. And the next day, we could take photos in correct plans. I was praised by myself for the first time I've worked. And the owner of the studio said to me, "All of your team have a great teamwork. Honestly, I'd thought you couldn't do any of the works completely. I'm proud of you." I thought my job was smooth and beautiful. And I thought I'll do better the next time. I've never felt like that even if I was praised with my texts in the magazines. And I thought, "I may rather want to labour in the background." Thinking back, I liked working not to be noticed my existence in the restaurant. Because I realized that it be possible for the first time we could have service before the guests noticed what they wanted us to do, and I thought that must be so beautiful work. When I worked in other place, I wanted to do chores without being noticed that I did it. For example, I wanted to see that people take the pen I prepared timely. And also, that I had wanted to play basketball as a PG or a SG might have suggested something to me. Many people had told to me to take more points, because I could do better and more skillfully than the player taller than me. But I didn't want to do that. I liked passing a ball at a very time to get the point. Or, I liked making a fine defensive play. I wanted to have a thankless but vital role. The roles looked so smooth and cool to me. I can see the scene in depth of my eyes. I can feel the move in depth of my muscle. In making the scenes, I remembered what was my pleasure. And I realized I wanted to work like that.


No one sees you here, roots are all covered.
There's such a life to go and how much can you show?
Day is gone on a landslide of rhythm.
It's in your lamplight burning low.
(Waking Light)




Checking my favorite blogs of my respect, after a long break, she restarted her blog. I could feel it be like responses to me, I was delighted very much. Her words are always honest and shape and fragile. I like her style of real. I'm a big fan of her articles. So, for a long long time ago, when I was invited to join her making a monthly magazine as an editor, I couldn't believe that it was real. I felt like as I was walking on the cloud. And I couldn't do anything when I'd worked with her. If I had known the above things, could I have worked better? I don't know, now. At that time, I'd boggled so much because there were so many talented people around me, and I couldn't believe that I could write anything like I felt that. I was frozen. No matter how much time passed, no matter how many jobs done, writing the articles looked too brilliant for me to realize that it was my real job. At last, I could not meet her expectation. That was so regretful to me. When I imagine her regret for me, I feel a pain in my heart.

2014/03/02

Dirty pus.



I should confess something to overcome something in my head. I've been suffering from bulimia for more than 15 years. It was more than 20 years ago, I was just a child. I couldn't forget that, even now. At a party of my relatives, I didn't want to leave the table because I wanted to be seemed to be an adult, and I kept eating something not to be said "It's about time to go bed." After the party, I was hard and vomited. I felt badly because of eating too much, I kept vomiting all night long. The next morning, my mother said to me, "You became thin and beauty." Now, I know my mother said that in order to give me comfort, but at that time, I felt my mother dislike me because I was fat a little. I thought I should have get a thin body like my sister. And several days after that day, after the basketball game, I couldn't eat anything because I was so tired. So I lost my weight less than 5kg only one day, my father said to me, "You became thin and cool." Now, I know my father said that without thinking anything, but at that time, I felt my father dislike me because I was fat a little. After I became older, I checked some pictures of my childhood, I found I'd not been so fat and rather been cute. My parents said like that not to mention anything. Maybe, only I cared like that. What made me think like that? I don't know. Anyway, I'd believed that I was too fat and I should have gone on a diet. But I couldn't keep on. Sometimes, I ate too much and I couldn't accept that. At first, I only vomited when I ate too much. When I felt I was full of my stomach, I was forced to eat more in order to be easy to vomit. I spent my money all I had to vomit. When I vomited, I remember what my mother and father said. After vomiting, I was forced to regret too much. But I felt that vomiting seemed to be like discharging my pus, I couldn't stop it. Finally, I guess, I rather ate something to vomit. I might have felt being satisfied with vomiting. Just before vomiting, I felt like drunk too much. It might be of being released insulin excessively. It's a kind of disease. I was ashamed of real myself, and I couldn't believe it's really of myself. I couldn't have accepted it's of myself, and I became to hate myself. But I had nothing to do with that, I've kept it for many years. Several years ago, I confessed it to my mother. She cried and apologized me. It was so hurt for me. Because she was not bad completely. I don't know what I should say to her. And I'm sorry for her to hear that. But she doesn't know what bulimic is. She believes I could have overcome it completely by confessing it to her honestly. It's difficult for everyone to understand what bulimic is. If you know how much I've eaten something, you would not be able to look at my face straight. But for me, it's important that I could spend the day without feeling like vomiting. It's a kind of a mental disease not to control my desires. I long eagerly to overcome it to live on. And I'm working out.


ぼくの心をあなたは奪い去った
俺は空洞 でかい空洞
全て残らずあなたは奪い去った
俺は空洞 面白い
バカな子どもが ふざけて駆け抜ける
俺は空洞 でかい空洞
いいよ くぐりぬけてみな 穴の中
さあどうぞ 空洞
(空洞です)

The reason for writing my journals in my broken English is not to be read my articles easily. It's just only a memo for me. I already know I don't need to care the reaction of someone else, but even if I keep telling myself like that, I'm afraid of being refused too much. I can't have brave to write. In the same time, I felt I need to discharge my dirty pus into myself to outside, and I need to heal myself. I guess, I need to force out the matter. I'd visited to some doctors to fix myself, but they couldn't. I understand it's exactly my own problem. And I should work out it by myself. Though I couldn't use a surgical knife and it's hard and hurt and sad for me to press the matter from a boil, I need to do so. During my long long break, I understood there are many things to be accepted by myself inside myself. There are many too hard things for me to be accepted. I'm afraid of that so much. I guess, it's important for me not whether I could pass the examination or not, but whether I could accept all of myself. Even now, I sometimes give my way to my desire. But it's also myself exactly. If I could do and I could write it down, my life will get fine, I guess so. And I also guess, it will set me free from myself. Today, it got a fine day, and I went to the Shrine. I felt it's a good day to bring myself to the next step, and I felt it's about time to break my first shell out. It will be so a long way to bring myself fine completely, but I'll try it. For my future, I'll get rid of it.

2014/03/01

I go home now.


Thought it'd be easy, thought you might know me by now.
But we got caught up in the green water down in the deep.
We go the long way, headed to nowhere, right from the start.
How did we get here, wish I could tell you
I thought we had time.

You jumped right out again, 
You say you can't pretend.
Said you didn't need me, love, 
The grass needed rain, 
You was hoping that one day.
Maybe things will change.
You jumped right out again, 
You say you can't pretend.
(Jump Right Out)

I go home now. I go to charge myself now. I charge myself to jump higher next. I will work hard tomorrow. Tomorrow is the first day of the new life again.

2014/02/28

Feb, 2014

今月の気分まとめ。


Always taking ten steps back and one step forward
She's tired, but she don't stop
(She)


Water Spirit feelin' springin' round my head
Makes me glad that I'm not dead
(Witchi Tai To)


you better bring yourself, bring yourself
(QueenS)


Cause I know you're just too proud
You couldn't step outside the Boho dance now
Even if good fortune allowed
(The Boho Dance)



give me all you got, don't hold back
well I should probably warn you I'll be just fine
no offense to you don't waste your time
(Happy)


And we'll never be royals, it don't run in our blood
That kind of lux just ain't for us. We crave a different kind of buzz.
(Royals)


I've been waiting patiently for you to come on.
Baby, please talk to me. Gimme some...
(Sexy mom)


My eyes are full of stars, but I just can't reach 'em... oh, how high they are
I got to believe what I'm seeing - ooh, maybe it could come true
But in a modern world that can be so hard to do
I feel so homesick, where's my home, where I belong, where I was born
I was told to go where the wind would blow and it blows away
I wake up, rise to the sun, I go to work and I come back home
(Rise to the Sun)




Father, father, let me love you
Saw you wandering in my dream last night singing
Wonder, wonder what you might do
You can't simply hide our dream in the blue
(Father, Father)


Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
(In My Life)


When the king takes sides,
leaving moral minds; soldiers take their share.
Nighthawks seem to sense that now is the time.
Deep inside them burns the raging fire of life.
He'll take back what he owns.
(King and Cross)


All I see is you. Stars. Open-arms. Pharaohs. God. Golden.
All I see is you. Stars. Open-arms. Pharaohs. God. Kings and queens.
Breath slow. Be low. Capacity is unfulfilled take the lead you will.
Head raised. Un-caged. More to do there's more for you.
(Pharaohs)






When we up in the club, all eyes on us.
See the boys in the club, they watching us.
Everybody in the club, all eyes on us.
(Scream & Shout)
















Here's a little song I wrote.
You might want to sing it note for note.
Don't worry, be happy.
In every life we have some trouble.
But when you worry you make it double.
Don't worry, be happy.
Don't worry, be happy now.




I'm a fool for that shake in your thighs.
I'm a fool for that sob in your sighs.
I'm a fool for your belly.
I'm a fool for your love.
(Open)


Don't run away, don't slip away my dear.
Don't run away, don't slip away my dear.
(The Fall)






Know this day has start with me
We're gonna walk this land together
(Walk This Land)



If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me
God only knows what I'd be without you
(God Only Knows)




When you wake up early in the morning,
And you work like devils in the sun.
Time slips away without warning,
But freedom day will come.
(Soul Captives)


There was a finer life .
When I was with my friends and I could always see my family.
That's what I still want now.
Even if I'm here and I know they won't be waiting.
(Still Sound)







Relax.

Today is the last day of Feb, 2014. I feel that time passes fast on Jan.-Mar. every year. Especially, the last month and this month passed fastest in my life. What I've done is studying and annoying, sometimes walking and praying. I was worrying about the last examination and two examinations left. But after taking the examination, I'm not worrying so much. Because that is over, and I have nothing to do for this any more. And, I got a good news. Though I would go to the my mother's working university, I have to pay only 40% discount of the entrance fee and the tuition for family discount. That made me relieved so much. I'll be free in two weeks. I'm pleased with that.



In the end of summer one year ago, hearing the news my grand father dead, I and my mother hurried to Kochi. In the car, I listened to "Big Chief." At first, we were in a hurry, but this song made us calm down. From Hiroshima, we couldn't get there even if we hurried so much. This song reminded us that. We started talking about my grand father. My mother spoke a lot of stories about him. I didn't know most of all. Some of the stories were good, the others were rather bad. I knew my grand father was not always so a good person for the first time. I laughed at that, because I'd believed my grand father was sure to be a great person. He was particular about the fame. I thought those might be brought by his experience of the war. He couldn't go to the front because of his lack of education. He was sure to be mortified. He made his children go to the university though he didn't earn enough money. He was a reckless and impetuous person. I was relieved. And I said, "I might resemble him the most." My mother said, "You might do so, but it's also good." Our face became calmly. We spent a good time in the car hurrying to Kochi. The time remembering my grand father made us love him more.



It's necessary to be relieved. I feel I got relaxed finally. I got guts in my new mind. But I'll be worrying in the next morning. I'll accept that.

2014/02/27

Good taste, Bad taste.

I was surprised that it was so interesting, when I helped my mother's works. My mother worked as a boss at a regional welfare and health center. My mother's works had a lot of limitations, but she tried to make the best, the most interested, the most useful, and the newest for inhabitants while keeping limitations. For example, forest therapy project, the illegal taxi sea project. In addition, she tried to build the operation systems what everyone could work in. When I watched that, I thought what I'd thought creative was not so creative. I wanted to do like her. Several years ago, my parents discussed the way to make my father's patients take medicine correctly. Some patients forget taking medicine, some patients take unnecessary medicine without taking necessary medicine, some patients take all medicine for a week once. They talked about the service for alarming to do. Their talks seem to be boring to one side, but that boring things were so important in fact. I seem to be interested in what is called unremarkable things. "Make unremarkable world remarkable. What makes it possible is own spirit."



It's so easy to find "good design" in the world now. There are so many "good photograph", "good text", etc. It's too easy to be interesting no more. It's too many to be surprised or pleased. Before I knew it, it's ordinary that everything is good taste. On the contrary, it may be so difficult to find awful taste. Everyone is chasing to find or make something smooth, and they seem to want to be smooth persons. Even at a convenience store, I can choose a simple and refined packages. Some creators are looking for something more unique or more interesting, and they are looking for the way to be more useful creators. I envy them for keeping their guts. I don't think it's bad. I don't hate even if there would be something smooth more. In fact, I like "good design."



But when I imagine that "good design" spreads in the country where only the elderly person lived, "good design" seem to be like a cancer. I mean,... it seems to that spreading "good design" is the equalization of their culture, the equalization of the culture means the equalization of the life. Some say "Good design will help to make an unremarkable country town remarkable. It will help to increase young generation, and it will help to prosper the town." In the words, "good design" means "the commercial." Once, I'd drunk the words. But every variable country towns' face would have been made the same face,... I can't imagine anything but that the equalization does change the place to spread from the urbanization to the commercial. As for me, chasing something new seems to be boring. Even now, sometimes I feel "Again??" when I come across the good design, mostly organic-like things. Therefore, it can't help our variable country town to be unique and adorable. Or, the times rotate, do the tastes rotate too? Or, the times rotate, do they change the way to unique. Or, what I see now might become the ordinary things. Anyway, leave the "good taste" things up to someone, I should do what I can do.

2014/02/26

Completely healthy.

My teeth have completely finished being treated today. In a very shameful thing, I have pyorrhea. I think, probably it's the result of my once irregular life. I had had the dentist in my home town examine my teeth when I had stayed there. He is the dentist who is good so that there is the person who visits him from other towns. He believes the healing power of nature, therefore, when he judges it to be able to be improved by toothbrushing and patient is not need it, he doesn't try to treat by force. In addition, he said "you can feel the pain during my treating your teeth. It's the result of your laziness, I think you have to know the pain actually. How do you think?" So, I took him treat some of my teeth without anesthesia. He preaches me on the importance of teeth every time I saw him. I understood that very very much. And I really really thought, "irregular life is not good for my teeth, for my body, for my health, for my mind, and for my life." About three months ago, I had a toothache and swelled up. I'd already lived here, and I had to change my dentist. At that time, a wisdom tooth brought me the pain. It was easy to remove the pain. And by the advice of new dentist, I decided to have the dentist treat my teeth completely. There are so many dentists, and I have been waited so long time. I have never been preached by someone, and I have never felt pain. It was easy and comfortable to get over. But I thought "Is it really good?" Today, I went the dentist and said to the dental technician "I'm ashamed of taking you examination my teeth actually. Because it's similar to taking you examination my life." She said, "You are good at toothbrushing and you are a good patient that come without skipping. You don't have to be ashamed of that. Your pyorrhea is improving day by day." I was appreciated.


There was a finer life .
When I was with my friends and I could always see my family.
That's what I still want now.
Even if I'm here and I know they won't be waiting.
(Still Sound)

Actually, my interest to medical care was brought by the dentist at my home town. Though I thought that he is taking trivial things too seriously at first. I understand that there is nothing to lose in myself. If I lost my health, I would also lose the health of my mind. Or, if I lost the health of my mind, I would also lose my health. If I know the best way, and if I try to take this way, I should do the best to improve myself. We call the method "Correction". Sometimes, I should correct myself even if the way brings some pains. In the drama "THE WIRE", someone said "Give the courage that is going to change and wisdom to know that I change" in the scene of the meeting of the drug dependency. I murmured that again.

2014/02/25

Morning comes.


When you wake up early in the morning,
And you work like devils in the sun.
Time slips away without warning,
But freedom day will come.
(Soul Captives)

After the examination, I sent some e-mails with waiting for a bus to Kochi. One of them was to my sister. I said "The examination has just ended. I did better than I thought." She said "was relieved. I couldn't sleep last night for worrying about you." I was appreciated to her. My this adventure was brought by her casual words. If I were in her place, I couldn't sleep last night, too. Besides, I was surprised that so many parents of examinee came with them. My parents didn't come with me, even to my junior high school. I heard my mother had been to my sister's examination, I was surprised more. When I was at cafe in hotel waiting for a bus, some examinee and their parents were spending their time at cafe too. Maybe, children are to have interview (they have to be interviewed if they take the examination of the medical department). Parents seemed to be worrying more than their children. I was sorry for them. They can't be relieved yet.

I bought some magazines and books, I rode on the bus. I come home. And new morning will come again.

2014/02/23

HI BABY.

See you again.

2014/02/22

God Only Knows.


Know this day has start with me
We're gonna walk this land together
(Walk This Land)

At this time tomorrow, I'll be in Tokushima. And at this time two days after tomorrow, I'll have been at home. I have no confidence actually. I just try to hide my heart shaking. It's impossible not to be nervous, and I wonder why I'd never been nervous when I was a high school student. I was full of confidence, and I didn't know it's so important for my life. Compared to that, now, I can't have any good image of my success. What if I could do nothing? What if I failed in everything? Can I keep myself with that? I'm anxious for myself. As I told many times, I know it's not the most important thing. But, being refused can never be welcome things.



Enokido Ichiro had said "Japanese Baby Boomers are the group demanded to do or have the most different things from the another person. And also, they can be only the same person as the others, because they are the group demanded too much." And finally, they destroyed traditional manners and customs completely. Whether it's good or not is non of my business. Everything will take their own courses by repeated in our dairy lives. Everything will not be given by a certain person. And it is to have been already over. "Destroyed" is not always a bad thing. Because we should look back and think one by one carefully, when we reconstruct our dairy lives. I look back and think, "Did I destroy everything of myself same as them? What did I want to be like? What made me struggle so much?" I try to say to myself again, "now, you don't have to care whether the answers are correct or not". It reminded me that the beginning of this re-new life, I decided to appreciate the present days. It must be OK that I care about my mere pride. It may be OK as long as I recognize my condition honesty. All of them will take their own courses.


If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me
God only knows what I'd be without you
(God Only Knows)

It reminds me that my friend misheard "God only knows(神のみぞ知る)" into "God's Miso soup(神のみそ汁)" in my childhood.

*****

I'm sorry for my journal written in shaky English.
If you find a mistake, please tell me secretly.

2014/02/21

About my favorite.

My favorite radio program is "KUMA POWER HOUR with Utada Hikaru". It's a monthly program of InterFM (mostly, my radio--cell phone-- is tuned this channel. My cell phone is used as a radio more than as a phone). I wonder how I can express it. Though her condition is unstable, especially of her heart, and she sometimes skips her turn, but I like all of her way. In her program, she speaks Japanese and English. She talks in a calm voice, and she never force to take emotional way. I also like her way of speaking and talking. This program is made at her home and has a rough but polite feel. She is more modest and more intelligent than her image I'd had. And there is something melancholy about her, all the more it can suggest the depth of her mind. Once she had introduced her favorite female vocal songs, saying "I don't like my voice, my way of singing. I wish I could sing like them." It was an impressive story to me. I thought she is the only one who can say that "I don't like Utada Hikaru's voice". On her latest program, she introduced three works of Rhye. They also have been my favorite, so I was excited. She described them using the impressive words. "Of course his voice is great, too. Their lyrics are so sweet, but their using ways are not idiot ways but simple and sexy, touching, intelligence ways." (Though she had used words to come better, I couldn't catch correctly...) Rhye songs match her program. I'm so jealous of her, because her describing fitted to the world drawn by Rhye perfectly.


I'm a fool for that shake in your thighs.
I'm a fool for that sob in your sighs.
I'm a fool for your belly.
I'm a fool for your love.
(Open)


Don't run away, don't slip away my dear.
Don't run away, don't slip away my dear.
(The Fall)
*"The Fall" was the monthly theme song of "World Rock Now (by Yoichi Shibuya @NHK FM)".
Unfortunately, I missed Shibuya's describing about this. Surely, he must have mentioned his voice and lyrics.

I didn't remember how I knew this song, maybe I listened it on the radio. I was moved deeply while listening at first time. I could feel their sounds have the sense I'm touching directly by hand, it was rough or soft, smooth, sometimes sticky, and kept running through in my mind. Or, their songs floated into my mind with their beautiful touch. Surely many people would think so.


*According to Hikaru's describing, it's super relax song.

*****
Love is beautiful, and sex is beautiful,
and I don't think those things should be shown in a grotesque way.
I'm just attempting to express love and sensuality in a very honest way.
(interview)

*****


At first, I didn't know that "Rhye" and "Milosh" are the same singer,
I was confused, and I thought "I like both of them. But only by listening to their voice I'll not be able to tell which it is, forever."


*After all the examinations, I will check this video.

So many people try to describe Rhye's or Milosh's world. I think, Rhye or Milosh draws "LOVE SCENE" directly, and in the same time, he is looking for the way to fit their "LOVE" more. Therefore, his sounds seem to be beyond "LOVE" and beyond describing. Once touching his beautiful world, we doubt "there may be anything more in more depth?". Being touched by him is so comfortable, and we are melted in his world, so we can't go away.

Listening some music and being touched by them is one of the most important parts of my life now. So, I felt like pinning all of them in my heart. (To tell the truth, I know I'm not good at describing music)

*****

I'm sorry for my journal written in shaky English.
If you find a mistake, please tell me secretly.

2014/02/20

Don't worry, Be happy.


Here's a little song I wrote.
You might want to sing it note for note.
Don't worry, be happy.
In every life we have some trouble.
But when you worry you make it double.
Don't worry, be happy.
Don't worry, be happy now.
*I like original version, but her style is also good. Her style of adding sounds one by one is symbolizing "happy".

Today, my friend send me an e-mail. "My niece was born! As you said, my niece is so special! ...and, I got a new job!" It's so great! Once, she'd lost her way and had worried about her future same as me. She couldn't stay at her office (by the circumstances of the workplace), and she learned English again. Though I forgot asking what kind of job she got, she must be filled with exciting. As for me, my nephew's birth (more than 8 years ago!) had led me to try to change my life. I was shocked of too happy that my sister could really really give birth. I thought that I should have healthy life. I felt that her newborn baby could do nothing but encourage us. Gradually, my life is clearly being improved. I believe power of life. Now, my brother also has his baby. Most of my friends have gotten married till last year, some of those have their baby! It's the most creative thing in our life that we make our own family.



There are many journals floating into the screen at Facebook. I can't catch up most of them. While my breaking, new journals has come again, I wonder what I've read and thought. I came to think that life may be like that. I can't catch up most of their life. I'm here, but they are there. I'm sometimes irritated at this "timeline" (they seems to have too many things to listen or show), because I feel that I'm forced to know. But, I'm now feeling good, because I feel I can entrust a flow, and because I feel that they are exactly living now.

*****

I'm sorry for my journal written in shaky English.
If you find a mistake, please tell me secretly.

2014/02/19

Somewhere I wanna go back.

While studying, I heard this sound from iTunes. That's how "Love What Happened Here" impressed me.



"I have ever heard just like this sound," sometimes, I think. And I usually like "ever-heard sounds." But it's different from that. It has something nostalgic, and makes a gentle noise inside my heart just like as similar to that of leaves moved by the wind. It makes me feel like "going back somewhere." "Somewhere" is not known by even me. "Somewhere" is not a certain place. But, I sometimes think like that. Or, sometimes, I also think "I want to meet someone." "Someone" is not a certain person, either. Recently, I wonder "meet" in this hope did not have even literally meaning. Those of hope may not be "hope." They may be just murmured words. Only, I know that I feel nostalgic and calm with murmuring those words in my head. It may sound strange. Anyway, I don't know what was working inside of me while I'm listening it, but for me, it has something of touching my heart. That was just like the way "Just the two of us" had impressed me.



*****

I found an interesting interview of casts of the drama "Carnation". Kaoru Kobayashi (as heroin's father) said "Nobody in this drama doesn't reflect. Thinking carefully, in ordinary life, we can't reflect our habits easily. Furthermore, we can't reevaluate our own behavior easily, though we have to do. In other drama, everybody can improve their behavior at once, but it must be impossible actually." I totally agreed. As for me, I don't have guts than I'm looked. I'm lazy. I'm not so good at communicating with someone. I'm care about others' eyes too much. And I'm apt to dream. It is boundless if I give it. I've tried to improve them, but unfortunately, to make matters worse, I'm so forgetful, especially, about inconvenient thing for me. Because I can't even turn upon, I may only live modestly. I hate all my faults. Without them, I might be able to live better. If so, by now, I might have my family or regular job, and I might be rich. Without them, I would not be who I am now.



*****

I'm sorry for my journal written in shaky English.
If you find a mistake, please tell me secretly.

2014/02/18

Saying good-bye.

I've read something about "a ceremony." I forgot its title or who wrote this. But in that, it was written like, "Ceremony is needed to break up something. In particular, we need it when someone died." Old burial mound and pyramid means like that. That I don't forget means it was so interesting ideas for me. But, I didn't understand what it means correctly, though I've felt like having understood it a little. My ex-boss send me some e-mails to me. One of those, he said "his face was beautiful yet."

I remembered two of my grand-dads' face in coffin, and his corpse was burned. I was so shocked, but I could understand his body was a sign of his life, and he was not here no more. It was so cruel, but really, really, a holy and important meaning for me. I'll never forget when I picked up and inserted my grand-dads' burned bones into a mortuary urn. It was so sad, but we could check his bones, like metal was buried because of his injuries, we could realize his life, and we could say good-bye to our own minds thinking of him. And also, I tried to remember the day of "her" dead. I've lost my words, and I reached her favorite bar. In this bar, when I was drinking, everybody, one by one gathered there. It was miracle. We had some quiet talks about her with drinking with crying. Thinking carefully, I didn't do nothing for her. I may have lost my way. After a while, I send her father a magazine that I was helped by her. She must not be satisfied with that, so I remembered her again and again.



This time, I hope to do something for him or his family, I sent his wife a telegram for the first time in my life. Several times, I found it a really real thing while I was looking for some sample sentences. I'm so lonely, but I thought I should say good-bye to him. I remembered my boss's mail, I realized his bones will be burned in the morning tomorrow. I imagined that. I thought it was still awful.



It started raining, but it's not so cold. I wish it'll be fine tomorrow at least.

2014/02/17

He.

The inside of my head became hollow, after hearing a sudden notice that he died of cancer. I have no words to express my feeling correctly. Or, it's an unexpected affair, I can't believe. Is it a really thing?? He was one of my few clients. He had too much enthusiasm, and was bothersome a little. He always understood my silly ideas favorably, and expanded or reshaped them to fit into his product more. He always pretended stupid to heap up us. The day before his presentation, we always stayed up all night long to finish his works. He gave in sleepiness at the very first, after we completed the work, he woke up on the floor. Or, sometimes, he also stayed up, and he suddenly started collecting new ideas, it was awful. Because we almost finished it. He was a troublesome guy, but all the more we love him. He never bored us in many ways. When we were at a loss for an idea and got so tired, we went the Tachinomi near by our office. We called it "it's a refresh," but we usually drunk too much at last. That reminds me, we had hit an awesome idea when we were drinking. I murmured any keywords floating in my head, and he picked up several of those. That really became lively, we went back to the office in a hurry, and we collected the story of ideas. I and he were so excited that everybody in our office were disgusted at our conversation. Totally, he was a lovely guy. I've ever met him since I returned to Kochi. So, it sounds a bad joke. I can't even go his funeral. Before the terrible affair, I should have seen him. I didn't know that he was fighting against cancer. I didn't know that such a mess thing happened. Is it really??? It must be a joke. I promise never to blame, please tell me it's just a lie. I can't even cry.



I like OASIS the best of his favorites. Maybe, he had sang this song at KARAOKE.

*****

Postscript

I can't believe that in any way. So, it must be strange, in spite of myself, I checked his page on Facebook. His latest journal was on January 31 2014, he introduced his favorite, Bruce Springsteen. It is just the last thing. There is no journal to tell about his disease. I couldn't believe at all. But during this morning, his old friends sent their comments, like "It is Bruce Springsteen which you liked" "I bought it just because you said so," to the last journal. Their comments made me realize that is exactly true, and I got very lonely. He is 44. He is too young to die.

2014/02/16

All eyes on us.



I've loved this video since I was 11 or 12 years old. Arto Lindsay, with the thick glasses like a bottom of the milk bottle, looked so cool to me. But I've fallen in love with him, and I watched it repeatedly many times even if a videotapes wears out. I can't explain the reason correctly. I didn't think that I could understand what is trend or traditional, or something, something..



I guess, at that time, disco music was trend, and my sister usually listened euro beat. My sister always recorded the programs of music, and sometimes, she showed me several of them. This was one of them. When I watched it, I totally forgot love for J-ROCK or J-POP, I became glue to his thick glasses. I was shocked, and thought, "such cool guys they are." I remember that my sister said "they are so strange, don't you think?", I asked "Yeah, they are so exciting." ---I don't remember how many times I did watch it. I don't remember how was this videotape going.



This was just like that. I watched "NICO ICON" when I was a college student. They are so crazy, always have some problems. It is not too much to say "they are so ugly". But they also their special aesthetic sense in their mess life, that is also shockingly about to appeal acutely to me. I could not stop heart-beating. My tastes change a lot easily, but it returns to them at last.

I totally like someone who believe their own mind without caring about other's opinions (they never refuse it without any conditions). Their doing looks so attractive without fading even now. They are different from me. I'm scared of those. Because of that, I write this blog in English, though I am not good at English. It may not be so bad to accept that I'm the one who care about other's eyes. It is easy to say, but it's difficult to practice.


When we up in the club, all eyes on us.
See the boys in the club, they watching us.
Everybody in the club, all eyes on us.
(Scream & Shout)

By the way, is there famous or respected works that made with aiming for low visibility in which public notice is avoided?

I received the notification of success in the examination. I could secured where to go. Relieved.

2014/02/15

Please let me pray.


When the king takes sides,
leaving moral minds; soldiers take their share.
Nighthawks seem to sense that now is the time.
Deep inside them burns the raging fire of life.
He'll take back what he owns.
(King and Cross)

I took a result of rejection. I was shocked. Because according to prior results judgment, I would pass easily. I've lost my mind for a while, so I went outside to calm down my thought. I took the judgement of the university that accounted only the result of the National Center Test, I thought it was better than I expected, but it was not enough to pass. Maybe, the test like that was taken most of the examinees same as me. But maybe,.. by any chance,.. what if I made a big mistake, for example mark mistakes? I should not count the result of the National Center Test. I mean, I should do all I can do. Or, I will fail completely that.


All I see is you. Stars. Open-arms. Pharaohs. God. Golden.
All I see is you. Stars. Open-arms. Pharaohs. God. Kings and queens.
Breath slow. Be low. Capacity is unfulfilled take the lead you will.
Head raised. Un-caged. More to do there's more for you.
(Pharaohs)

You may not be able to believe that. In spite of myself, I have asked a question to my friend about three months ago. "Can I keep our relationships even if I should have failed?" You may think it be strange. I was so nervous that I couldn't stop asking like that. I will be ashamed of myself not to success in my mission. I will lost not only confidence but also trust of myself. How do my friends or family feel about? I'm afraid of that. I know that I can't even judge a person by the name of the university where he or she graduated. And I have never judged like that. But, I can't stop thinking "what if I failed??" Many people may say "you have a very tiny heart." It's so funny, you may laugh, but it's real. It's ironically a truth. I'm afraid of my failure, and people's measure of me at all.

2014/02/14

Father's dream.

An admission ticket for an examination has come. Every time I make an application, I get nervous if I send it properly. I could do exactly, this time. Today, I'll get results announcement of the private university on the web. I hear that I can pass it on eighty-ninety percent, according to the judgement on self-marking. I'm expecting. But, what if I made mistakes on paper? I get antsy.

I listened my mother's speaking on the phone last night. She was talking about my father's dream. I've heard the same story three-four times. But my mother is always pleased with speaking it, so I don't care. My father's dream is to build a tiny medicobotanical garden. Medical plants are not only good for inner health, but also beautiful with simplicity. The year before last or more before, his ethical pharmacy was converted to a joint-stock corporation. This demutualization was done by my mother. She said "Increased employees should be paid a salary, even if we are monetarily poor." It was household industry till then, so my father could use income of his shop as he like, but now, because he is paid as a salary, he can't handle money freely. At first, he complained about so much because his personal income tax was so high. I heard, he should have paid his company's income tax calculated at possibility. But now, his company have stock enough, and he can have a new dream. My mother proudly says "your father is grateful to me!" in the end of her talk every time. Anyway, I'm glad, too.


Father, father, let me love you
Saw you wandering in my dream last night singing
Wonder, wonder what you might do
You can't simply hide our dream in the blue
(Father, Father)
*I thought that I should have had been given birth by a man all the time. I thought that I could be recognized something more easily by my father if I were his son. Daughters' feelings for their father are always complex.

Sometimes, I remembered my father's saying so long time ago. He said "I'm glad you to cease basketball. I was worrying about you, because you become too muscular." I couldn't believe that is my father's true colours. Because he doesn't talk so much, that was his very thought. I couldn't laugh and was so sad. I was hurt very very very much, and words failed me. I couldn't even speak against, because he looked so happy innocently. At that time, I thought "you should have said that as soon as I'd started playing." After a while, even now, I carry the cynical scars, but sometimes I think "I wonder I've wanted my father to know that I'm a wonderful daughter." If that is not him but my mother or my sister or brother, I could have spoken against with laugh. Now, I'm care for my father's new dream. His medicobotanical garden, it sounds marvelous.

After this National Center Test, my father driven to pick up me, and had dinner together. I had already known his interests, so I gave the words of the botanical garden. His eyes got blight, and he stated speaking pleased. I couldn't understand almost of his word, but I could know how he likes medical plants well. I should study medical plants in pharmacy school. I may be able to give him fun the next time.


Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
(In My Life)
*I like Jonny Cash version of "In My Life" the most. You may think that is strange, but I can think that even if I could have nothing important of my life, I should be proud of myself.

According to my mother's said, though he wanted to be a calligrapher, he should have to be a pharmacy by the circumstances of the house. He looked not so happy in my childhood, because he was tied by the house. Only medical plants may have been pleasure to him, he started taking photos of plants. By the advice of his friend, he started asking a pro photographer for advice, and his photo became to be recognized in among a part of amateurs. The more praised his photo was, the more he became lost in photo. I watched his part of a photographer, I overlooked his part of a lover for plants. After he built his ethical pharmacy, he didn't take photographs so much. I cared about that, but his love for plants was going on.

2014/02/13

In the morning


My eyes are full of stars, but I just can't reach 'em... oh, how high they are
I got to believe what I'm seeing - ooh, maybe it could come true
But in a modern world that can be so hard to do
I feel so homesick, where's my home, where I belong, where I was born
I was told to go where the wind would blow and it blows away
I wake up, rise to the sun, I go to work and I come back home
(Rise to the Sun)

I usually wake up in the morning while listening a radio show full of good music. But in the next moment, I get tired of complains coming from the radio. Complains, which are insisted by the radio audiences, were almost about social claim, especially, about a Tokyo gubernatorial election in this week. Turn off the radio, I wash myself thinking about why they hold no programs concentrated on good music. They are complaining too much every morning, and they seems to be drunk with their words. I guess, I had better stop listening, but I can't. Every morning, I have breakfast while thinking there are so many people who want to speak. I might have been so, too. I apt to complain too much, and I hate that in the same time. Even now, I'm afraid of myself if I'm a person like that. I wish I were a modest person. Recently, I'm careful of my thought. I'm impressed the famous words by Mother Teresa.

Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words,
Be careful of your words, for your words become your deeds,
Be careful of your deeds, for your deeds become your habits,
Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character,
Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny.



Speaking of "Complaining", my older sister send me a mail about my aunts' complaining to my parents. Three sisters of my father usually complain about something. Now, everyday they say an objection for the way of treat their mother. My parents use some public care service, like a short-term entrance medical treatment care positively, they have their job to do. But my aunts complaining to using them, regardless their mother doesn't hate be treated so much. My aunts say "It's because our mother hates joining some group! Have you ever imagined our mother's feeling?" Their insists are so ridiculous, I think. Because they don't raise their hands to run for taking care of their mother. They really only want my parents to ask, and want my parents to care about themselves. But my parents can always deal with their complains perfectly. I guess, that add to their discontents. Besides, my parents have a thought of caring not to shut herself in her room, but to open to make ventilation better. I'm completely agree with my parents' thought respectably, but my aunts can't be agree. "I made up my mind to do everything in the way I can do, because I'm too busy to pay their complains. I can't adopt their suggestion if they are not in practice," she said on the cell-phone at her office in Hiroshima. But I sometimes imagine that in my aunts' position, what I would do? My mother is so powerful and tough. I'm proud of her.

Well, well, well...
I should stop thinking too much, I should do what I should do. Today is already Thursday.

2014/02/12

Unexpectedly simple, but after all complex.

I found it interesting what I'd learned in high school. Especially, I have fun when I read the article about the way nerve communicate with the other nerve. I was surprised with that it's really done by electric signal. Also, by a common positive ion,--by exchanging sodium ion and potassium ion, --by the difference between the electric potential of the outside and the inside of a cell membrane. First, I thought, what Seiko, who is a singer, once have said "ViViVi" was really a real feeling. So, our feelings, our acting, everything we are doing is caused by so simple system. It's unbelievable, but it's amazing! I was wondering why I can't do what everyone can do, and to the contrary, why I can do what everyone can't do. What is the difference between the two, or, sometimes, we go along and may think about the same thing, or, why can this music be the hit song?, what is times characteristics?, what lead us to having sympathy? I guess, they must be the result that our nerve given stimulation and pleasure at the same time as for how many degrees. It may seem to be only common thing, but for me, it seem to be a very very special. They sometimes call to minds, sometimes make someone's personality, sometimes bring fashion or love. Almost reflectively, we routinely feel and act. Even philosophy, seem to be running around many times with social and historical background. And also, the social and historical effects are caused by..., it's an endless chain like as the coats of an onion..., there are too many variables to see all.


And we'll never be royals, it don't run in our blood
That kind of lux just ain't for us. We crave a different kind of buzz.
(Royals)
*It's one of the hit songs that sold the most in 2013. It's amazing that the person who made this song is only a 17-year-old girl. I can't say anything but "wow..."

わたくしといふ現象は

仮定された有機交流電燈の
ひとつの青い照明です
(あらゆる透明な幽霊の複合体)
風景やみんなといっしょに
せはしくせわしく明滅しながら
いかにもたしかにともりつづける
因果交流電燈の
ひとつの青い照明です
(ひかりはたもち その電燈は失はれ)

これらは二十二箇月の

過去とかんずる方角から

紙と鑛質インクをつらね

(すべてわたくしと明滅し

 みんなが同時に感ずるもの)

ここまでたもちつゞけられた

かげとひかりのひとくさりづつ

そのとほりの心象スケッチです

これらについて人や銀河や修羅や海膽は

宇宙塵をたべ、または空気や塩水を呼吸しながら

それぞれ新鮮な本体論もかんがへませうが

それらも畢竟こゝろのひとつの風物です

たゞたしかに記録されたこれらのけしきは

記録されたそのとほりのこのけしきで

それが虚無ならば虚無自身がこのとほりで

ある程度まではみんなに共通いたします

(すべてがわたくしの中のみんなであるやうに

 みんなのおのおののなかのすべてですから)

(『心象スケッチ 春と修羅』宮沢賢治)

According to 『慈悲をめぐる心象スケッチ(玄侑宗久著)』, especially, in three lines of the beginning in this prose, ideas of "空" is written all. I don't know about it, but I'm impressed with the beautiful description.


I've been waiting patiently for you to come on.
Baby, please talk to me. Gimme some...
(Sexy mom)
*Whenever I listen his voice, I feel catching his dearest wish. I also love this guitar sound. I don't know the very words to describe.

I heard that my grand-ma is gradually recovering. She had hated short-term entrance medical treatment care like that, but she said "I'll try, because I don't want my family to worry about me." Door of the firmly closed memory came to be sometimes unlocked. What was the cause the door of her memory box locked? I hear there are so many causes which brings dementia, and there are so many ways how they close memories. So, what opened the door? "Gradually", so, is there something to defrost her frozen memory nerve? Regardless of her recovery, it was only good thing that she changed her life dramatically. She always did nothing but watch TV from force of habit. She couldn't stop watching TV. So, we used to worry about her keeping inordinate hours with watching TV too much. Had not been for injuries in of her brain, she would have been continuing watching Olympics on TV till mid-night. Now, she is enjoying a calm and well-regulated life, so she can't enjoy any TV show, on the contrary, she feel annoying with TV noise. (It may mean the signal from media is too much for her)

I can't collect my scattered thoughts, as usual. It' only a memo.

*****

If you find out mistakes in this article, please tell me secretly.

2014/02/11

Don't hold back.

It's a very very beautiful day, today!, though a wind is cold a little. The climate in Kochi is so nice and warm. I'd forgotten about how warm the winter in Kochi is, I was surprised. Sky is almost dark blue, not light blue, even though it's winter. I couldn't believe the radio personality (@Tokyo) said "This winter is the coldest for the past few years. Is 'global warming' true?" I felt it strange not only because they say that every winter, but because it's warm in Kochi. For me, it seemed to be the warmest winter, so as to worry about global warming. Anyway, it's an amazing for me that it's warm. I feel like walking under the blue sky today like this.



I usually go for a walk to the usual Shrine. I usually try to pray for my succeed in the examination, but I almost can't imagine the direct word for pray, the most I can do is murmuring "I'll do my best. Please look over me." My very words will vanish into the air with my dearest wish that I can't put into the words.

*****

期待を膨らますことなく待つこと、心を揺らさないこと。「すべての歓びを消し、あらゆる自発性を麻痺させる」(マルセル)ような、古代ストア派のアパテイアにも比せられるこの感覚麻痺、これがみずからに課す最初の掟である。言ってみれば、執拗な言い聞かせである。言い聞かせ、無理だと抗い、重ねて言い聞かせ、あらためて無理だと断念しかけ、それでもまた重ねて言い聞かせ……と終わりなくくりかえすなかで、ついにそれがもうひとつの<自然>へと位相転換したように見えかけたときである。何かを期待するでもない<待つ>がありうるとして、その可能性がおぼろげに見えてくるのは。

じぶんでじぶんを処理できないことを何度も思い知らされるがゆえに、進んでアパテイアになること、何にも心をかき乱されないように、揺らされないように、じぶんを麻痺させておくこと。これが、措置できないじぶんへの最後の措置である。「最後は、あんたの人生やもの……」と、かつてわたしが何かを待とうとしていたその相手に言えるのは、だから、「わたしとじぶんでどうなるもんでもないんやもの」とじぶんに言えるときである。

すくなくとも眼に見えるところではだれからも呼びかけられていないそのようなわたし、そしてただただみずからを麻痺させることでしか生き延びられないわたしが、それでもまだここにいてよいのだと、せめてそのことだけは言い聞かせようとして、だれから呼びかけられているのか見えないまま、それでも霧のなかで「おまえがそこにいることには意味がある」と呼びかけられているという思いに賭けようとするとき、<待つ>ひとは「信仰」と壁一枚隔てたところにまで運ばれている。「きっと神さんが見たはる……」。わたしを揺らめかせるもの、たとえばメロディを奏でそうな装置をしまうこと、物語にふれないこと、香りを遠ざけること、そしてたとえば写経のように、書くというただそのことにだけじぶんのそんざいを約めること。これはアランが書いていた「礼拝の原則」のすぐ傍らにある、肉体が、ひいては心が「散る」を封じ込める仕方である。

(中略)

「祈り」に何か明確な「希い」が込められているかぎり、「祈り」はしだいにつのり、思いつめたものになってゆく。時が過ぎ、その時の「効果」がいつまでも見えないうちに、祈りはしだいに焦りを帯びてきて、合わせる掌にも力がこもってくる。お宮に運ぶ足もより繁くなる。そしてあるとき、見切りをつける。「祈り」というかたちで収めようとした焦りがじぶんにも隠せなくなる。その焦りをどこへと逸らすか、それが考えどころとなる。あるいはそこに、質が出る。
(『待つということ』鷲田清一)

*****

"Commercial expressing a concept and an image has taken the place of the direct message like Kobayashi-seiyaku, don't you think?", a comedian said in the mid-night radio program. I had believed it effective method to express message of the product has, in the old time. But this way would be rather disgusting way. Desires included in there always ooze out from a good looking lid. When we perceive desires hidden, we usually suspect there must be things hidden more. Frank message ("please be popular", "please be cured", or so on) would be better. "One day, they cannot cover their own impatience from themselves that they tried to put it into 'praying'." I think so, too. So I mean, I should pray in a direct word. It would be comfortable, especially, the day like this.


give me all you got, don't hold back
well I should probably warn you I'll be just fine
no offense to you don't waste your time
(Happy)

Well----------

*****

If you find out mistakes in this article, please tell me secretly.