Dirty pus.

I should confess something to overcome something in my head. I've been suffering from bulimia for more than 15 years. It was more than 20 years ago, I was just a child. I couldn't forget that, even now. At a party of my relatives, I didn't want to leave the table because I wanted to be seemed to be an adult, and I kept eating something not to be said "It's about time to go bed." After the party, I was hard and vomited. I felt badly because of eating too much, I kept vomiting all night long. The next morning, my mother said to me, "You became thin and beauty." Now, I know my mother said that in order to give me comfort, but at that time, I felt my mother dislike me because I was fat a little. I thought I should have get a thin body like my sister. And several days after that day, after the basketball game, I couldn't eat anything because I was so tired. So I lost my weight less than 5kg only one day, my father said to me, "You became thin and cool." Now, I know my father said that without thinking anything, but at that time, I felt my father dislike me because I was fat a little. After I became older, I checked some pictures of my childhood, I found I'd not been so fat and rather been cute. My parents said like that not to mention anything. Maybe, only I cared like that. What made me think like that? I don't know. Anyway, I'd believed that I was too fat and I should have gone on a diet. But I couldn't keep on. Sometimes, I ate too much and I couldn't accept that. At first, I only vomited when I ate too much. When I felt I was full of my stomach, I was forced to eat more in order to be easy to vomit. I spent my money all I had to vomit. When I vomited, I remember what my mother and father said. After vomiting, I was forced to regret too much. But I felt that vomiting seemed to be like discharging my pus, I couldn't stop it. Finally, I guess, I rather ate something to vomit. I might have felt being satisfied with vomiting. Just before vomiting, I felt like drunk too much. It might be of being released insulin excessively. It's a kind of disease. I was ashamed of real myself, and I couldn't believe it's really of myself. I couldn't have accepted it's of myself, and I became to hate myself. But I had nothing to do with that, I've kept it for many years. Several years ago, I confessed it to my mother. She cried and apologized me. It was so hurt for me. Because she was not bad completely. I don't know what I should say to her. And I'm sorry for her to hear that. But she doesn't know what bulimic is. She believes I could have overcome it completely by confessing it to her honestly. It's difficult for everyone to understand what bulimic is. If you know how much I've eaten something, you would not be able to look at my face straight. But for me, it's important that I could spend the day without feeling like vomiting. It's a kind of a mental disease not to control my desires. I long eagerly to overcome it to live on. And I'm working out.


ぼくの心をあなたは奪い去った
俺は空洞　でかい空洞
全て残らずあなたは奪い去った
俺は空洞　面白い
バカな子どもが　ふざけて駆け抜ける
俺は空洞　でかい空洞
いいよ　くぐりぬけてみな　穴の中
さあどうぞ　空洞
（空洞です）

The reason for writing my journals in my broken English is not to be read my articles easily. It's just only a memo for me. I already know I don't need to care the reaction of someone else, but even if I keep telling myself like that, I'm afraid of being refused too much. I can't have brave to write. In the same time, I felt I need to discharge my dirty pus into myself to outside, and I need to heal myself. I guess, I need to force out the matter. I'd visited to some doctors to fix myself, but they couldn't. I understand it's exactly my own problem. And I should work out it by myself. Though I couldn't use a surgical knife and it's hard and hurt and sad for me to press the matter from a boil, I need to do so. During my long long break, I understood there are many things to be accepted by myself inside myself. There are many too hard things for me to be accepted. I'm afraid of that so much. I guess, it's important for me not whether I could pass the examination or not, but whether I could accept all of myself. Even now, I sometimes give my way to my desire. But it's also myself exactly. If I could do and I could write it down, my life will get fine, I guess so. And I also guess, it will set me free from myself. Today, it got a fine day, and I went to the Shrine. I felt it's a good day to bring myself to the next step, and I felt it's about time to break my first shell out. It will be so a long way to bring myself fine completely, but I'll try it. For my future, I'll get rid of it.