tender love.

After all of my examinations, I came back to my hometown. My new uneasiness and dissatisfaction is what about my grand-ma things. I couldn't understand when I was far from my home. When I heard it from my mother, it seemed to be so nonsense. But actually, the problems have so deep roots in my ancestor. My grand-ma was an adopted child. My grand-ma's grand-ma had adopted her child's child as her new child who to take a family name of my grand-ma's grand-ma. That was Nishimura. My grand-dad have married into my grand-ma's family when they were only teenagers. Though my grand-ma was brought as a dearest child in richer life, my grand-ma seemed to have felt unhappy because she weren't satisfied with love from her parents. She seemed to have wanted love or attentions from everyone all the time. In several years, just before she has forgotten all of her life, she looked to get soft and calm life finally. But after the accident that she has hitted her head on the corner of the table, she has forgotten everything and she remember her sadness. Recently, though she sometimes remembered her calm mind,  but she seems to be dreaming in her unsatisfied life. So, she always complains about everything to each of her helpers, or she behaves like a baby against her grand children. Her daughters seem to be running about in utter confusion everyday without thinking about her mother's uneasiness. They seem to think it's the best way to care of her with making scarifice of our all time or all feelings. (My grand-ma and my aunts seem to love "scarifice" all the time. But they never become conscious of that.) As a result, they also always complains about everything to everybody. Though they always say "we need take care of my mother with love", they sometimes skipps their promise without contacting, and abuse their mother's or our trust. I try not to complain about that, I try to stop the complaining chain, but I also complain about that to my sister. I know it's the vicious circle. I was tired of their complains or behaves in only two days. What makes us tired is not that to care of her but to get along with her unsatisfied. We should get the new way to continue taking care of my grand-ma with pleasing and calm.


Extra Mile.

Today, I finished all of my examination. I learned that it's very difficult to pass the entrance examination and I should respect all of the university student. Actually, I've thought it was easier, and I may have looked down on even the famous universities. Even if some of them might be so talented, but most of them must have made their best effort to archive their aim. I give up in this time because it's about time to go next. In this long journey, I realized and learned so many things except studying. I wrote it many times, it was the hardest thing that I had had so much time to re-think about myself. I could not cure of all, but some are accepted by myself, some are improved. It became clear I'm not a genius and I could not do everything completely. I came to understand that positively. It makes no sense to the others and even myself whether I'm a genius or a fool. So I'm satisfied with all of that. Now, I'm filled with excitement. I will sell all of my text books to the secondhand bookstore tomorrow. Though all of my examination was over, next mission is waiting for me now. My second season has just started now.

What you gonna do when you get out of jail?
I'm gonna have some fun
What do you consider fun?
Fun, natural fun
(Genius of Love)

After received the notification of success in the examination, I have thought of my next goal. First of all, I would like to find a sustainable way of life. That needs something fun, satisfaction, excitement, movement, some dramatical things,... When I made the catalogue of nursing goods, I was surprised there is no fun in shopping. On the contrary, that seemed to be dismal and preaching. Though I know that they usually think aging is sadness because it means becoming less able and becoming too clear the only one goal, and though I know that it's different from taking care of children in the point of that, I thought it must be more exciting. At least, I want to be more excited when I take care of my parents. Yet, I have no idea how I can learn the way. I'm excited with Faculty of Pharmaceutical Sciences, and I might be able to find the way. But if I can, it is important to have another view. So, as my mother said, I'll try to search the way to go to a graduate school in the same time. I think it might be important to take my margin away while learning, in addition, if I can have another view, I will be able to think about that more freely. Surely, I should know it is the first way that I go to the university to pass the national examination. So I would give up at once if it's impossible. Anyway, because mother recommends it with much effort, I'll try it. Except that, there are many ideas to do. I'm so exciting, I can't wait. Until April comes, I have nothing to do in a hurry, so I'll go back to hometown to take care of my grandmother. Though I would like to do while learning what a care is, she goes to the nursing facility in daytime, and she may sleep most of time at night. So I can not do nothing but play the video game to prepare the game with my nephew. I will be bored soon... I'll prepare to study in daytime.

Running after fantasies
When all we got right here's for real
A dirty city on the sea 
Mighty fine dope playground to me
I heard you got a bike, two wheels
Near you got the swell and me 
U can gimme a ride 
Play it summer delight
Go the extra mile
Im sure you'll find
some time to play 
lets conquer the world
Mercy Mercy me
Lets follow the sun and go out
Before we turn into dust lets go out
I'm talking 'bout a thirsty turkey please
Let's borrow a boat and sail out
Before there's oil everywhere let's sail out, away out
(Extra Mile)


Still, Strong

Just before I quitted my job for the magazine, I heard "It's too late" at a bar, at a restaurant, and anywhere. It might have been by chance, or I might have cared for that too much. But I'd felt that Carol King had sung for me, and my feelings had been melted. The other day, when I walked to the Shrine, I heard "Not too late" from my earphone. I stayed there for a while, I listened it carefully. I wondered "why they know the best time to sing for me?" Though I knew that both of those were the songs for love, I was moved so much regardless of the theme of those songs. I could not have passed and I'm so frustrated, but I'm surprised that I'm not disappointed less than I've been afraid. I was relieved from the worrying. And my goal seemed to be more simple and clearer. Tomorrow, I'll leave for Tokushima to take the last chance again. Even if I failed that (most likely), I could not be destroyed completely. After the information of rejection, my mother suggested me of the additional plan. It also seemed to be wonderful, but I am going to walk my way certainly. I'm disappointed surely, but I understand it's only one step. The name of that is surely important, but I understand that it's more important what I do. In addition, I'm not dead. While trying to something, I wanted to run to higher, but I understood that walking certainly has few difference from that. I imagined the life in Hiroshima. It also seemed to be fun. I'm looking forward to graduating from this examinee life in three days.

My lungs are out of air,
Yours are holding smoke,
And it's been like that now for so long.
I've seen people try to change,
And I know it isn't easy,
But nothin' worth the time ever really is.
(Not too late)


Gray, between black and white.

The gold road's sure a long road
Winds on through the hills for fifteen days
The pack on my back is aching
The straps seem to cut me like a knife
The gold road's sure a long road
Winds on through the hills for fifteen days
The pack on my back is aching
The straps seem to cut me like a knife
(Fool's Gold)

I'm so nervous because I will know the result of the examination of my first choice tomorrow. My heart was beating too fast to sit calmly and to stay without doing anything, so I made up my mind to believe today's weather fortune-telling. It means, fine-weather means I can pass, rain means I'll be rejected. I would rather rain because the one that I thought not to go well can make me feel refreshed more. It was raining hardly a little last night. So I didn't expect the weather. In a sense, I expected the rain so much. But this morning, it's not rain. It's cloudy. OMG! I didn't think of the cloudy. I'm wondering what I should think, and I'm walking around in my room.

I've been hating everything, everything that could have been
Could have been my anything, now everything's embarrassing
Acting like it's nothing; such a bore
I saw the truth and I just can't ignore
You're trying to hold the heart that can't be stored
Say I tried to give my best before
You wouldn't have the chance to give me more
You're only one step closer to the door
(Everything Is Embarrassing)


No time to murmur.

Well, it is revealed that it is departure by another two days and I was tense suddenly. The reason is I thought on Friday for sixth and on Tuesday today for third. I was surprised to know today was already fourth. I don't have time to prepare, besides I have no time to murmur something! While saying so, I found my friend's ironical phrase of "there are full of things like poem in Japan" in FB. I don't know why he said so, I could not repress laughter because what he said perfectly fit to my feeling.

I don't care if it hurts
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

I have delated many my journals so far. Whenever I try to write something good, I feel that I seem to cheat something, and I feel walking in the fairyland. I mean, though they were exactly true stories, the outline of the story I made was slightly different from the depth of the story. I'm wondering about the difference. Between the lines or silence, I cannot stop finding the discomforts. Sometimes, some smooth phrases seem to be armed to the teeth while saying "Please love me." Well, it's about time to go back to prepare.


Without being noticed.

When I prepared for many scenes for the photographs at one day, and I completely carried out that, I felt satisfied with myself the most. There were too many plans for the photographs to take in one day, and everyone said we would not be able to carry out all of them, let's turn the thing that there was not tomorrow. But tomorrow, we'd reserved another studio to make different scenes, and we had few budget, so I didn't want to slip the jobs to the next day. In that studio, there were many places to plan out. I immediately begged the staffs to build the rooms to fit the scene, and conducted the photographer and the chief director to the next scenes. My play was started when I made the staffs put the furniture of the product in line to be used. And one job was finished when they tidy the furniture up on the truck, and in the same time, when at next scene the photographer started taking photos, I was finishing building the new rooms at the other side with making the staffs carry the next furniture at the other side. I wanted to the photographer and the director apply to their plays without caring for chores, and I believed their applying brought our works fabulous. Finally, we could carry out our all plans in one day, contrary to our expectations. And the next day, we could take photos in correct plans. I was praised by myself for the first time I've worked. And the owner of the studio said to me, "All of your team have a great teamwork. Honestly, I'd thought you couldn't do any of the works completely. I'm proud of you." I thought my job was smooth and beautiful. And I thought I'll do better the next time. I've never felt like that even if I was praised with my texts in the magazines. And I thought, "I may rather want to labour in the background." Thinking back, I liked working not to be noticed my existence in the restaurant. Because I realized that it be possible for the first time we could have service before the guests noticed what they wanted us to do, and I thought that must be so beautiful work. When I worked in other place, I wanted to do chores without being noticed that I did it. For example, I wanted to see that people take the pen I prepared timely. And also, that I had wanted to play basketball as a PG or a SG might have suggested something to me. Many people had told to me to take more points, because I could do better and more skillfully than the player taller than me. But I didn't want to do that. I liked passing a ball at a very time to get the point. Or, I liked making a fine defensive play. I wanted to have a thankless but vital role. The roles looked so smooth and cool to me. I can see the scene in depth of my eyes. I can feel the move in depth of my muscle. In making the scenes, I remembered what was my pleasure. And I realized I wanted to work like that.

No one sees you here, roots are all covered.
There's such a life to go and how much can you show?
Day is gone on a landslide of rhythm.
It's in your lamplight burning low.
(Waking Light)

Checking my favorite blogs of my respect, after a long break, she restarted her blog. I could feel it be like responses to me, I was delighted very much. Her words are always honest and shape and fragile. I like her style of real. I'm a big fan of her articles. So, for a long long time ago, when I was invited to join her making a monthly magazine as an editor, I couldn't believe that it was real. I felt like as I was walking on the cloud. And I couldn't do anything when I'd worked with her. If I had known the above things, could I have worked better? I don't know, now. At that time, I'd boggled so much because there were so many talented people around me, and I couldn't believe that I could write anything like I felt that. I was frozen. No matter how much time passed, no matter how many jobs done, writing the articles looked too brilliant for me to realize that it was my real job. At last, I could not meet her expectation. That was so regretful to me. When I imagine her regret for me, I feel a pain in my heart.


Dirty pus.

I should confess something to overcome something in my head. I've been suffering from bulimia for more than 15 years. It was more than 20 years ago, I was just a child. I couldn't forget that, even now. At a party of my relatives, I didn't want to leave the table because I wanted to be seemed to be an adult, and I kept eating something not to be said "It's about time to go bed." After the party, I was hard and vomited. I felt badly because of eating too much, I kept vomiting all night long. The next morning, my mother said to me, "You became thin and beauty." Now, I know my mother said that in order to give me comfort, but at that time, I felt my mother dislike me because I was fat a little. I thought I should have get a thin body like my sister. And several days after that day, after the basketball game, I couldn't eat anything because I was so tired. So I lost my weight less than 5kg only one day, my father said to me, "You became thin and cool." Now, I know my father said that without thinking anything, but at that time, I felt my father dislike me because I was fat a little. After I became older, I checked some pictures of my childhood, I found I'd not been so fat and rather been cute. My parents said like that not to mention anything. Maybe, only I cared like that. What made me think like that? I don't know. Anyway, I'd believed that I was too fat and I should have gone on a diet. But I couldn't keep on. Sometimes, I ate too much and I couldn't accept that. At first, I only vomited when I ate too much. When I felt I was full of my stomach, I was forced to eat more in order to be easy to vomit. I spent my money all I had to vomit. When I vomited, I remember what my mother and father said. After vomiting, I was forced to regret too much. But I felt that vomiting seemed to be like discharging my pus, I couldn't stop it. Finally, I guess, I rather ate something to vomit. I might have felt being satisfied with vomiting. Just before vomiting, I felt like drunk too much. It might be of being released insulin excessively. It's a kind of disease. I was ashamed of real myself, and I couldn't believe it's really of myself. I couldn't have accepted it's of myself, and I became to hate myself. But I had nothing to do with that, I've kept it for many years. Several years ago, I confessed it to my mother. She cried and apologized me. It was so hurt for me. Because she was not bad completely. I don't know what I should say to her. And I'm sorry for her to hear that. But she doesn't know what bulimic is. She believes I could have overcome it completely by confessing it to her honestly. It's difficult for everyone to understand what bulimic is. If you know how much I've eaten something, you would not be able to look at my face straight. But for me, it's important that I could spend the day without feeling like vomiting. It's a kind of a mental disease not to control my desires. I long eagerly to overcome it to live on. And I'm working out.

俺は空洞 でかい空洞
俺は空洞 面白い
バカな子どもが ふざけて駆け抜ける
俺は空洞 でかい空洞
いいよ くぐりぬけてみな 穴の中
さあどうぞ 空洞

The reason for writing my journals in my broken English is not to be read my articles easily. It's just only a memo for me. I already know I don't need to care the reaction of someone else, but even if I keep telling myself like that, I'm afraid of being refused too much. I can't have brave to write. In the same time, I felt I need to discharge my dirty pus into myself to outside, and I need to heal myself. I guess, I need to force out the matter. I'd visited to some doctors to fix myself, but they couldn't. I understand it's exactly my own problem. And I should work out it by myself. Though I couldn't use a surgical knife and it's hard and hurt and sad for me to press the matter from a boil, I need to do so. During my long long break, I understood there are many things to be accepted by myself inside myself. There are many too hard things for me to be accepted. I'm afraid of that so much. I guess, it's important for me not whether I could pass the examination or not, but whether I could accept all of myself. Even now, I sometimes give my way to my desire. But it's also myself exactly. If I could do and I could write it down, my life will get fine, I guess so. And I also guess, it will set me free from myself. Today, it got a fine day, and I went to the Shrine. I felt it's a good day to bring myself to the next step, and I felt it's about time to break my first shell out. It will be so a long way to bring myself fine completely, but I'll try it. For my future, I'll get rid of it.


I go home now.

Thought it'd be easy, thought you might know me by now.
But we got caught up in the green water down in the deep.
We go the long way, headed to nowhere, right from the start.
How did we get here, wish I could tell you
I thought we had time.

You jumped right out again, 
You say you can't pretend.
Said you didn't need me, love, 
The grass needed rain, 
You was hoping that one day.
Maybe things will change.
You jumped right out again, 
You say you can't pretend.
(Jump Right Out)

I go home now. I go to charge myself now. I charge myself to jump higher next. I will work hard tomorrow. Tomorrow is the first day of the new life again.